Five Things To Avoid During the Holidays When You’re Single

Four Christmas’ out of a divorce now and I think I’ve learned a thing or two about how to keep from falling off the Holiday blues cliff.

  1. Drink only a moderate amount of eggnog. I know, it’s yummy and creamy and tastes like the holidays – but friends – it will make you 5 pounds heavier. Trust me on this one.
  2. Avoid staying in your pajama’s for two weeks straight. Turns out, when drinking too much of the aforementioned Egg Nog, the extra 5 pounds is hardly noticeable until you have to put on that back to work outfit January 5th.
  3. Any dated ornament. Remember how cute it was to buy a new ornament each year to remember all the cute things you did as a couple that year? They no longer hold their cute value after your no longer married to the cute person. Leave those at the bottom of the ornament bin and go buy yourself some new ornaments.
  4. Modular. In the same spirit of “out with the old and in with the new,” I took myself down to Walmart to buy a brand new tree that was mine, all mine.  I thought I was getting a great deal on a fake tree, but the word “modular” on the box completely escaped me. Suffice it say, what should have taken an hour tops, took about three days.
  5. Beating yourself up. The holiday season is going to bum you out. Period. Roll with it, hang out with friends. Take your kids ice skating and sledding. But please know on January 1st, the world looks a whole lot brighter.

Once Christmas is over and the decorations have all been put back in their place, a new year starts fresh. New beginnings, new future and possibly a new jeans. Forge on my single friends!

The Contestant

Have you ever dated one of these? I mean “dated” like, you are a contestant on “America’s Got Talent.”

You know you’re on a date with one when the opening line sounds something like “I have a dinner party at 7:00 pm, I’ll need to leave at 6:30.” Quick math, I have 90 to impress the socks off him, then maybe I’ll get to move onto the next round. Who knows, maybe even HOLLYWOOD (code for going steady).

Quick to jump into the good stuff, I start with “been married, have children?” “No and no”, then fatal error on my part; eye roll. Oops that just slipped out. I quickly follow it up with, “but I’m not judging, no judging here, just curious as to why at 44 you’ve never been married.” Just for the record, totally judging. He responds “I guess I just haven’t the right one.”

Okay, “who is the right one?” I ask.

Blah, blah, blah, “smart, cute, funny, active,” more blah, blah, blah.

I counter with “character, integrity, strong faith in God,” blah, blah, blah, BLAH! I’m losing ground here with the Contestant Judge, it’s time to pull out my best talent, going deep. I dip my toe a little deeper, he stops me and says, “This conversation is getting really deep, can we bring it back to a more lighthearted discussion.”

Okay…moving on, now we’re talking about hiking. We all like hiking, his dog likes hiking, I like hiking. Cool. Head nods all around. Moving on…

We’re both the same age, how about favorite 80’s shows. Eureka! He’s a Brady Bunch Trivia buff! I know some Brady Bunch stuff too, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.” Now comes his fatal error, eye roll. Everyone knows that. How about something NOBODY but the Judge knows. The name of the cousin who came to visit occasionally. Hold onto your seat folks, it’s Oliver. Yep, okay, more head nods…

At this point I’m losing. I’ve already received two buzzers, he’s gotten one. What now? Clocks ticking, think fast… I know, I’ll impress him with my… I got nothin’. Final attempt, final buzzer, game over, exit stage left. After all, who can top Oliver in the Brady Bunch.